there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The uberlube is also flammable
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
