My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
