I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
