need another drink. this is the easiest way
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
