The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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