the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
