I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
