Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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