You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
