I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
