I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize