He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
