I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
