I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I cannot find my penis.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
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