Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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