how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
