i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
