So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
