Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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