did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
