What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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