One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
