once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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