by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
