Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
