....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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