Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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