He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
