I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
