I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
