I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
