Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
