I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
