im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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