Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
