I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
the raccoons are back...
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