I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
