Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
