hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
