I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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