Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
