your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
