I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
