i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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