you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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