The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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