i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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