I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
