cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
