i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
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... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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