Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
