I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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