OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
