News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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