Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Randomize
