I intend to get homeless drunk
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
