You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
