My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
