Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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