rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
NoShamevember. You game?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Randomize
