Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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