Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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