my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
